someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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