If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
