My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
