So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
