Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
