doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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