He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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