i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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