I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
