This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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