planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
