If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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