I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize
