I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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