Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
did i just pee glitter
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
