I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
