Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Randomize
