How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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