When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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