You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
