i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
