Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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