I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
