Please, let me fuck your mom
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
