In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
