I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
