ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize