Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
So vagazzling was a success
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
