you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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