You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
