I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
There's always time for handjobs
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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