mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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