right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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