and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
im six kinds of drunk right now
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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