My sheets look like a crime scene.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
