??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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