You're my little dorito
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
