Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
