So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize