I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
