i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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