He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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