so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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