Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
