i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
