My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
