did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Randomize
