Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
