Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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