Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
