My room smells like vodka and shame
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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