so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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