I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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