I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Church boner. Awkwardddd
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize