I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
