guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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