So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
