i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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